12 months almost

It’s almost 12 months now since the Black Saturday fires and my gut is tied up in a ball, I feel sick constantly – I shouldn’t feel this way – I’m bigger, better and stronger than this.

I get flashbacks, but I try not to think about them

People now that 12 months has passed, think it’s safe to talk about the fires. But they keep telling me I could have been killed – shit – hello – We all die at some point in time – I’ve just been closer than most get in their living lifetime. I don’t need to be told that – I know that. Why not talk about how people are managing, how they are coping, what is being done to fix the people and the houses and the families. Why only the death? – We all know someone or many someone’s who died.

Those that remain in the fire-affected areas I believe will have an easier time of 'recovery' (if you can call it that) than those that left. Simply because those that have been 'there' know what it is like and it is so much easier talking to people who have been through the same experience.

I did what had to be done – not because I am any sort of F**** hero – but because it had to be done.

I want to crawl into a hole and ignore the world – it would be so easy and yet I know it is not the answer.

Every hot day now (even before a little) I was on tenterhooks worrying – now I STRESS.

Not just a little – but I wonder if I am doing the right thing going to work – I worry about my animals – I worry about the older people on my street, what happens if people forget them? What happens if they don’t hear the evacuation signal? – What happens? – Will I feel responsible for them also? I can’t – I refuse to.

Remember when you were a kid and you would do turn your body around and around and around with your eyes shut and your arms stretched out – and when you stopped you felt sick and didn’t know where to turn?

That is what I feel like now.

I can’t even imagine that those lost family and homes. If I feel like that – they must feel like they are in the middle of a never-ending cyclone.